Hijab- The Confession

This post was really hard for me to write, because, it is, in a way, a sort of confession for me.
I have worn the Hijab many times in my life, as a kid in Grade 4 or 5, and then taken it off. I started wearing it again in Grade 7, until a few months back, and again it's off.
I have searched for reasons to figure out why I'm so confused about wearing the Hijab when clearly, Allah has commanded all believing women to cover their Awra.
I realized that it was for certain reasons, some personal experiences in my life that have led to these confused actions. But this doesn't mean that I'm not God-fearing, or modest, or that I'm loose, because my Allah knows my character, and He Alone, is my judge. It just means that I do not have the required level of spiritual strength yet, and inshAllah, I shall have that one day. I'm praying everyday to Allah swt to give me the Guidance, the Tofiq, and the strength to start the Hijab once again and to never stop wearing it. I want to, I really want to wear the Hijab. And I still have the urge to wear it somedays, but I don't want it to last just a few days. I want to wear it forever, inshAllah, and so I'm waiting, crushing my impulsive acts and waiting to gain the strength to wear it once and for all. I respect the Hijab, and I respect Allah's wishes, and I wish to be a Hijabi.
Thing is, I know that boys will be boys, they will stare at you even if you're covered, wearing decent clothes, wearing the Hijab. I have noticed it, from personal experience. But, just because thieves will be thieves doesn't mean you should leave your jewels unguarded. Same thing with the Hijab.
However, I do dress modestly, except that I don't cover my hair. I do dress decently, and not provocatively, and I do feel guilty not wearing the Hijab. I wear the Abaya when I'm dressed up quite fancy to avoid attention. I want to wear the Hijab I want to wear it when I am completely and truly ready, from my heart, body, mind and soul. I pray to Allah to fill my heart with the power of Islam, for the True Faith to enter my heart and for it to never leave me. For the Qur'an to become embedded in my soul. I request all of you to pray for me, that I get enough strength to start the Hijab once and for all. I don't want to wear the Hijab because of pressure from culture or religious societies. I don't want to wear the Hijab because certain "liked" people wear it. I want to wear the Hijab for Allah swt and for His pleasure, from my entire heart and soul.
Also, Hijab is not just an item of clothing, it's an attitude, a way of life. I have, Elhumdulillah, started by first practising my religion. I want to correct my character first, be a practising Muslim, and then slowly get to what is the hardest- Jihad-an-Nafs, fighting your inner desires- which is here Hijab.

I hate it when people pressure or question other people about their Hijab (in a condescending way, that is, not if you ask or question it in a friendly way).I mean, drop the holier-than-thou attitude because that's not part of the Hijab package, my friend. Just because you wear the Hijab doesn't make you a better Muslim/person than me. A lot of it has to do with how you don't hurt others feelings, don't be selfish and always see your gain instead of others, etc. (This part is directed towards a certain someone I know, not on this blogger though, so don't worry, any of you =) )
A hijab is a personal choice, and no matter what people say about following a religion how it is prescribed, (yes, you should, though) but YOU are no one to judge or question. A religion is a personal matter b/w Allah swt and the follower, so who are you to judge/question/pressure. Advice, but don't judge, because only Allah swt has the right to do that.

Fa in the end, I just pray to Allah to give me and other Muslimahs the strength to be better, practising Muslims, and to give us all the Hidayah, Ameen.

This was one thing that had been bothering me for a while now, and I just wished to let it out