Hijab- The Confession

This post was really hard for me to write, because, it is, in a way, a sort of confession for me.
I have worn the Hijab many times in my life, as a kid in Grade 4 or 5, and then taken it off. I started wearing it again in Grade 7, until a few months back, and again it's off.
I have searched for reasons to figure out why I'm so confused about wearing the Hijab when clearly, Allah has commanded all believing women to cover their Awra.
I realized that it was for certain reasons, some personal experiences in my life that have led to these confused actions. But this doesn't mean that I'm not God-fearing, or modest, or that I'm loose, because my Allah knows my character, and He Alone, is my judge. It just means that I do not have the required level of spiritual strength yet, and inshAllah, I shall have that one day. I'm praying everyday to Allah swt to give me the Guidance, the Tofiq, and the strength to start the Hijab once again and to never stop wearing it. I want to, I really want to wear the Hijab. And I still have the urge to wear it somedays, but I don't want it to last just a few days. I want to wear it forever, inshAllah, and so I'm waiting, crushing my impulsive acts and waiting to gain the strength to wear it once and for all. I respect the Hijab, and I respect Allah's wishes, and I wish to be a Hijabi.
Thing is, I know that boys will be boys, they will stare at you even if you're covered, wearing decent clothes, wearing the Hijab. I have noticed it, from personal experience. But, just because thieves will be thieves doesn't mean you should leave your jewels unguarded. Same thing with the Hijab.
However, I do dress modestly, except that I don't cover my hair. I do dress decently, and not provocatively, and I do feel guilty not wearing the Hijab. I wear the Abaya when I'm dressed up quite fancy to avoid attention. I want to wear the Hijab I want to wear it when I am completely and truly ready, from my heart, body, mind and soul. I pray to Allah to fill my heart with the power of Islam, for the True Faith to enter my heart and for it to never leave me. For the Qur'an to become embedded in my soul. I request all of you to pray for me, that I get enough strength to start the Hijab once and for all. I don't want to wear the Hijab because of pressure from culture or religious societies. I don't want to wear the Hijab because certain "liked" people wear it. I want to wear the Hijab for Allah swt and for His pleasure, from my entire heart and soul.
Also, Hijab is not just an item of clothing, it's an attitude, a way of life. I have, Elhumdulillah, started by first practising my religion. I want to correct my character first, be a practising Muslim, and then slowly get to what is the hardest- Jihad-an-Nafs, fighting your inner desires- which is here Hijab.

I hate it when people pressure or question other people about their Hijab (in a condescending way, that is, not if you ask or question it in a friendly way).I mean, drop the holier-than-thou attitude because that's not part of the Hijab package, my friend. Just because you wear the Hijab doesn't make you a better Muslim/person than me. A lot of it has to do with how you don't hurt others feelings, don't be selfish and always see your gain instead of others, etc. (This part is directed towards a certain someone I know, not on this blogger though, so don't worry, any of you =) )
A hijab is a personal choice, and no matter what people say about following a religion how it is prescribed, (yes, you should, though) but YOU are no one to judge or question. A religion is a personal matter b/w Allah swt and the follower, so who are you to judge/question/pressure. Advice, but don't judge, because only Allah swt has the right to do that.

Fa in the end, I just pray to Allah to give me and other Muslimahs the strength to be better, practising Muslims, and to give us all the Hidayah, Ameen.

This was one thing that had been bothering me for a while now, and I just wished to let it out

Hijab/Modesty

Well today me and my brother got in this debate over the Hijab. He overheard me talking to my mother about it. He made me realize something that I very much needed to acknowledge. I had stopped wearing the Hijab in between, because I was not sure WHY I was wearing it. I sort of wanted to know the real meaning and the need behind Hijab. I very badly wanted to wear it, but Satan always somehow succeeded in leading me away from the Right Path. My brother told me a lot of times that even if you wear modest clothes, it's perfectly alright not to wear the Hijab. Although he being a guy wouldn't know the consequences and the problems we women face when we DON'T wear the Hijab. He said that Hijab is a symbol for modesty, and there is much more to Hijab then just covering your hair or your body. His intention was not to restrict women from wearing Hijab, but because he wanted them to KNOW and REALIZE the reasons for this Hijab.
It was past me to understand, and took quite a few heated arguments for his point to come across. He gave me examples :
A girl wears a Hijab, and is doing all sorts of other immodest activities, for example flirting with boys or drinking alcohol. This is not modest and it is unIslamic. Or she uses crude and vulgar language, is inimical towards people, shows resentment towards them when they ask for help. Hijab promotes modesty, humbleness, humility, piety, kindness. A behaviour of a woman comes under the limits of Hijab. I never realized this and I used to be profane and not really care about it. Although Elhumdulillah, my parents brought me up to be quite sensitive and careful about others' feelings, I still had a few bad qualities in me, which thankfully to my brother, I'm trying to improve. It does not mean that you stop living your life, no. It doesn't mean that when you go out with friends you stay still and stiff and a goody-two-shoes. NO! Not at all! Go ahead laugh, have fun, be crazy, hyper, but do not act in ways that attract unnecessary attention, Do not show-off, do not act in a way so that people notice you or others notice you, and generally be plainly annoyingly conspicious. Through the Hijab, God leads and wants us to observe and acquire the qualities of a good Muslim. For example, noble,humble,helpful,honest,truthful,trustworthy,caring,pious,etc. We should not speak in a way that hurts others, or with hostility. We should respect their beliefs and opinions, and set forth examples of a good human being with our character. We should try to influence people with our skills and our modesty. The main purpose of a Hijab is not ONLY to guard the beauty of a woman, but to promote modesty in behaviour, words, actions, lifestyle, etc.
So bottom line, if you're gonna wanna have to cover your hair and body, and then have boyfriends, cheat, lie, steal, be profane, hostile, cold, etc towards people, THE HIJAB might be accepted by Allah and may you be rewarded for it, but then there is no point. Because if you're doing all the other things labelled Haraam or forbidden by God, you might as well not cover at all. Why bother? Such juvenile acts will only lead to the names of Muslims being wrecked all over the world, and you will be setting bad examples for others. By influencing others with our good qualities, we are working towards a better environment for us and for others to live in.